


what the hell in 1 minute or less per chapter

by Basically_this_is_magic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, this is nowhere near a serious fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-31
Updated: 2014-10-07
Packaged: 2018-01-17 15:52:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 3,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1393516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basically_this_is_magic/pseuds/Basically_this_is_magic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guaranteed to make you think "What the actual fuck" in 1 minute or less per chapter or your money back. Good thing I'm not taking your money in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ballerina Cas

Cas enters the room wearing a tutu, spinning around gracefully.

"Cas, you can't just twirl around here like that," Dean tells him.

"I do not twirl Dean, I spin gracefully."

"You know what I mean. No ballerina."

"I am not a ballerina, Dean. I am a Danseur."


	2. The Hot Tub Incident

"Cas let's go in the hot tub," Dean suggested.

"Dean I have not been in a hot tub before."

"First time for all Cas."

"Okay Dean."

Dean and Cas both changed into their matching expensive Gucci swim shorts and got in the hot tub.

"Ouchie Ouch Deanie this is hotto lotto."

"It's a hot tub what'd you expect."

"Lukewarm?"

The two sat in the hot tub for a while until about 5 minutes later.

"Dean I think I peed."


	3. Ponyta vs. Gastly

"Dean! I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!"

"You're on bitch."

"Okay first let me go to the Pokemon center and change my lineup and save."

"Ok."

Twenty minutes later they are ready to battle.

"Gastly! I choose you!" Dean yells.

"Ponyta! Go!" Cas proclaims.

"Ha! A Ponyta... it's just a pony. How you gonna win with that?"

"It's on fire." Cas states.

"So?"

"Just like your mom."

Dean forfeits the battle.


	4. Fried n' Crispy

"Dean."

Cas shuffles into the room, sunburnt, nearly sun bleached, all over.

"Cas what the hell happened."

"I went to the beach."

"Why?"

"To find some seashells for you."

"That's sweet but now you're all burnt."

"Like your mom."

"Like your wings."

"You take that back."

"Never. And we aren't doing this again. Now let me get you some aloe vera."

"Okay."

Cas then consumed the medicated aloe vera and the two had to call Poison Control.


	5. Cupid Cas

"Dean, I want to take up archery."

"How come?"

"It's a good skill to learn I guess."

"Okay, we'll go tomorrow."

The next day, Dean and Cas both tried their hand at archery. Dean was always on point with the target, but Cas, not so much.

"I missed again Dean."

"You'll get it eventually Cas."

The next time Cas shot, he hit the mark right on the bullseye.

"Dean I got it!"

"Great job Cas!"

"Look I am an angel with a bow."

Dean chuckled. "Just like Cupid."

"Yes Deanie I am Cupid the romance cherub and now I get to shoot you with my arrow at you."

"Wait no."

In one swift motion Cas shot an arrow at Dean's leg. It was only after Dean started screaming and jumping up and down that Cas realized that idea didn't work out as planned.

Dean never let Cas near a bow again.


	6. Emo Cas

Cas trudges in the room, clothes exclusively black and face covered in eyeliner.

"Cas, what the actual hell?" Dean questions.

"You just don't understand," Cas explains. "I'm going through my emo phase."

"Cas why would you do that."

"Doesn't everybody do this?"

"No, Cas, they don't."

"Well it was either this or Scene and I thought you might like the eyeliner. It makes me hot."

"It makes you look like a gay pirate."

"Fine. If you're just gonna be like this I'll be in my room listening to My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy while I get this makeup off."

Cas later decided he rather liked the makeup. Much to Dean's protest, Cas' "emo phase" lasted a whole week. Dean would admit, although not to Cas, that the eyeliner did make him look sorta hot.


	7. Destiel- The Musical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the prompt subject Rose!

Cas bursts in the room-

"Dean! I got a part in the local community center musical!"

"Really? What part did you get?"

"Some character named Bush 2"

"Like the president?"

"No just Bush 2."

"Okay."

Two weeks later Cas stared as a bush in the local community center musical. However, the stage caught fire for no particular reason and his costume went up in flames. Afterward, Dean took Cas out for ice cream and told him he was proud of him. The community center took a whole year to rebuild from the ground up.


	8. Radio Star

The two sat together in the Impala.

"Hey Dean can I pick the music?"

"Ugh, sure. Just no Robin Thicke."

"Never Dean he's a stupid misogynistic fucknugget."

"Agreed."

Cas flipped some stations, until he found the song he liked.

The Kidz Bop version of Sweet Escape.

"No Cas not this."

"But you said anything but Robin Thicke."

"Cas!" 

Dean tried to change the song, but the radio was frozen. Like Disney Frozen. They listened to Kidz Bop the whole way home.


	9. In Sickness or in Purgatory

"Dean I'm sick," Cas told him.

"Eww gross stay away."

"Rudely patriotic now help a brother out."

"Fine."

Dean carried Cas to bed, not being careful of Cas' head hitting the doorframes.

"Dean let's watch Wall-E."

"No Cas."

"Please?"

"Fine."

Dean fell asleep halfway though the movie only to be awoken by something slimy being wiped on his back.

"Cas what the hell was that?"

"Uh.... My nose is runny."

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?"

"Because you're my little tissue, Dena Daen."


	10. The Russian Mistake

Dean walked into the house, which was trashed like hell. 

"Cas what the hell happened?"

"The Russians came and we threw a party."

"Russians?"

"They said they were Russian guys from down the street. They can drink anybody under the table."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I was unclear on the metaphor at first too, but they don't really do it under the table, it just means they can-"

"I know what the metaphor means you spaghetti-noggin. I'm talking about why the Russians threw a party here."

"Oh. I don't know. They just sorta showed up with lots of alchohol and salt. I don't get why you'd inhale salt through your nose though."

"Cas, two things."

"What Dean?"

"There are no Russians down the street. And two, why is there an uncut pineapple on the table?"

"Don't know."


	11. Eddie Creamy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promised Lucy that when we passed 1000 words, I'd write Eddie Murphy in for reasons. Thus, this chapter was born.

Dean and Cas walked into the candy store, greeted by a man in a striped top hat and a blood-stained butcher's apron. He had not yet lifted his face from his paperwork, but said hello to his customers nontheless.

"Hello boys, how may I help you?"

The man looked up at them, and the two saw the man beared striking resemblance to Eddie Murphy.

"Are you Eddie Murphy?" Dean asked.

"Why yes, but you can call me Eddie Creamy. It's my name here."

"Can't I just call you Eddie Murphy?"

"The candy man can." Mr. Creamy explained.

"Okay." Dean said.

Dean and Cas ordered two sundaes.

"Would you like your sundaes nutty, professor?" Eddie asked.

"We're not professors," Dean told Eddie.

"Oh that's too bad. Have you met Dave? He's shrektastic." Eddie said.

"Do you do anything else here besides make puns using movie titles of stuff you've been in?" Dean asked.

"No, I Dolittle."


	12. Shrek Yourself

Dean came home to see Cas on Sam's laptop, reading.

"What are you reading, Cas?"

"Have you heard of Shrek?"

"The green ogre guy movie?"

"Yeah. The internet says he's important. He's done some questionable things to his followers, though."

"Cas, are you telling me you've gotten into Shrek is Love Shrek is Life?"

"Yes Dean. He has restored my layers."

"Cas this is so stupid."

"Dean! Check yourself before you Shrek yourself!"

"No, you know what, I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Cas."

"Dean, just know this isnt ogre yet! The ogrelord will come for you!"

"Yeah, sure."

Later that night, Dean heard large stomps coming from a ways away. They quickly picked up speed, until he heard, directly in his ear...

"Hullo, Laddeh. It's all ogre now."


	13. Kareoke Night

It was kareoke night at the local bar and Dean convinced Cas to go with him.

An obviously tipsy man was finishing up his solo rendition of All Star, and the two men were at a table bickering.

"Dean, I don't want to sing!"

"It'll be fun! You'll get the hang of it."

Just then a grubby hand stroked Dean's face and the tipsy man threw his arm across Dean's shoulder. He reeked off alchohol.

"ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOOOOLLFFF, ONLY TIGER WOODS CAN PLAY GOLFFFFF," the man sung, making up his own lyrics as it seemed.

"See Dean, let's leave it to these people to handle the singing. This fella probably won't even remember the humiliation of this when he's sober."

"Yeah, Cas, but if nobody takes the mic away from this guy soon he'll probably just keep singing All Star on loop."

The tipsy man came back over to Dean.

"HEY COW, YOU'RE A MILK TANK, GET YOUR MILK ON, CALLLLCIUUUUM!!! HEY NOW-"

Dean yanked the microphone out of the drunk man's hand, and went up to the stage.

"This one goes out to my stubborn boyfriend who won't sing with me and also to that drunk guy for not trying to beat me up for taking his mic."

The drunk man cheered him on, being the only other person in the bar besides the bartender and I.D. checker that had shown up tonight.

"He's my cherry pie, cool drink of water such a sweet surprise, taste so good make a grown man cry, sweet cherry pie, yeah."

Cas couldn't let him do this alone. He stood up and walked to the stage, and took the second mic. He tapped Dean on the shoulder.

"Dean I don't know the words."

"Just improvise then."

Dean continued, "Well, swingin' on the front porch, swingin' on the lawn." He pointed at Cas.

"Uh... swingin' swingin' swingin' something cherry pie gnome."

"Swingin' to the left and swingin' to the right"

Cas simply continued humming background noises. They weren't good at kareoke, but at least the drunk man seemed to enjoy their music. In fact, halfway through the song, he came up and joined them.

They sang in unison, "He's my cherry pie,  
put a smile on your face ten miles wide,  
looks so good bring a tear to your eye  
Sweet cherry pie, sweet cherry pie, yeah."


	14. Mitt Romney Chooses Bisquick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone who's left such great comments, left kudos and all of that stuff, you guys are so cool no joke I love you all and I'm so happy you're wasting your time reading this crap. Thanks guys.

Dean and Cas went to the supermarket on a regular Thursday afternoon.

"You know, Dean, some countries make people pay coins for their shopping carts and get their money back when they put the cart back."

"That's interesting."

They turned the cart into the breakfast food isle, where they came upon a frustrated Mitt Romney!

Mitt was squatted on the ground looking at pancake mix, with a red face and a look of pure angered frustration as his expression.

"Do.... do I pick Aunt Jemima, or.... OR BISQUICK???"

Dean and Cas decided to stay silent and not say anything, this man was clearly beyond help.

"Both are... ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY CALORIES!!! And the fat is... AHA! The fat is higher on Bisquick! 9% is much higher than 4%, yes?"

The mans face lit up, it seemed he had found the answer. But then it all went dark again.

"But there's Bisquick Heart Smart! With 4% fat, only 140 calories, and no cholesterol! Surely I have found the pancake mix for me!"

Mitt Romney bounded up with his Bisquick Heart Smart pancake mix and made a quick attempt to get past Dean and Cas, who were blocking the isle to get to checkout, but he hit Dean's shoulder and spilled his pancake mix.

"I'm so sorry!" They said to eachother in unison.

The box had dumped it's contents on the floor, now completely unsuitable for purchase.

Which wouldn't have been a problem, if it hadn't been the last box of Bisquick Heart Smart mix on the shelf.

Mitt started to cry, and Dean and Cas hugged him in support.

"I'm not even the president," Mitt cried, "and now I can't even have my pancake mix."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never tried Bisquick Heart Smart pancake mix so who knows what it tastes like. All I know is that Mitt Romney could never have his.


	15. Donald Wallace, Turtle

Dean walked through the front door to see Cas, sitting cross-legged on the floor watching a turtle crawl by.

"Cas, where'd the turtle come from?"

"Oh, this little fella? He's Donald Wallace. I found him on the side of a highway so I took him in. We're best friends now."

"Uh, okay? Just don't let him... You know, go anywhere, alright?"

"Got it Deanie."

-

The next day Dean arrived home to see Cas making zoom noises while helping Donald "fly" through the air. Donald Wallace seemed to be...

Covered in sparkles?

"I bedazzled him, do you like it?" Cas asked.

"Yeah, um, may I ask why you did that?"

"Because Donald Wallace wanted to express himself, of course."

"With sparkle gems?"

"You're just jealous that he's more open and comfortable with his sexuality than you are."


	16. Cas Gets a Twitter

"Whatcha got there?" Dean asked Cas.

"A phone," Cas replied.

"Yes, but what are you doing with it? Is that twitter?"

"Yes Dean, it's very interesting."

"Cas, that app's a load of crap," Dean told him.

"Wow, rude," Cas started whispering as he typed. "@deanwinchester is being a meanie to me right now. So pretentious #rude."

"Did you post that?" Dean questioned.

"Yeah."

"Cas take that off! Delete it!"

"No Dean how am I going to get followers if I don't stay up to date with my account?"

"You have followers?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, this one girl Sierra, another one named Madison, a guy who goes by DarkSlayer666, this other guy who's profile picture is of abs, and that nice lady from the old folks home trying to stay hip and 'with it'. They're nice people."

"So you have five followers already?"

"Yes as of now."

A few months later Cas' twitter became popular for sounding "so clueless and oblivious it was funny". Cas didn't understand why 4k people liked his tweets for being funny, as he was trying to come across as serious, but he figured whatever made them happy was fine by him.


	17. Candy Bracelet

The day before the incident, Cas was given a candy bracelet kit as a gift. After he was shown that he wasn't supposed to eat the candy beads straight out of the box, but instead make them into jewelry, he really got the hang of making them.

When Sam and Dean left, they expected to return home to a few half eaten candy bracelets. Instead they came home to something far from predictable.

They walked in to see about a dozen small kittens each with candy necklaces sitting around Cas as he knitted more candy bracelets. Cas himself had a few chains around his own neck, as well as some already finished bracelets in a pile next to him.

"Cas," Sam glanced around at the cats, "what's going on?"

"Oh hello, I'm just making a necklace for Billie Joe here." He nodded to the only cat without a necklace.

"Where did all of the cats come from?" Dean asked.

"I don't know really, they just started showing up so I thought I'd show some hospitality."

Cas bit his tongue as he finished Billie Joe's necklace. Right as he started to tie it off, he dropped it, and the beads flew in all directions.

The cats all got up and dispersed, going after the beads. 

"I could use some help here," Cas told Sam and Dean, "I've got 12 more orders to finish by tonight."

The three sat on the floor, surrounded by cats, and continued to make the candy necklaces.


	18. Surprise Linguine

"Dean, I'm cooking dinner tonight," Cas told Dean.

"How come?"

"Because I had a great idea for food," Cas stated, as if the fact was obvious.

"Okay then."

That night, Dean smelled the scent of burnt rubber coming from the kitchen. He ran in to see Cas, holding a pan of whatever his idea of dinner was.

"Cas, what is this supposed to be?"

"It's Surprise Linguine. My original recipe."

"Okay, what's in it?"

"Dean, if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise!"

When Sam, Dean and Cas sat down for dinner, everyone but Cas looked at the Linguine, unsure of exactly what would happen if they ate it.

Dean was the first to poke his fork at it, pick up some, and try it. He tried to keep his face from twisting.

"So what do you think is in it?" Cas asked.

Dean wasn't too sure. "Hm. Well, linguine.... probably. And... cherries?"

"Cherry pie filling. What else?"

Dean looked at the pan in front of him, and saw small, slightly burnt, orange squares.

"Cheez-its?"

"Yes. There's more, but I think Sam should get a chance to guess some too."

Eventually the Surprise Linguine spontaneously combusted and the trio ordered pizza instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make your own Surprise Linguine!
> 
> Ingredients:
> 
> •Linguine (probably, optional)  
> •a cup of Cheez-Its  
> •a whole thing of cherry pie filling  
> •tomato soup  
> •milk  
> •a mathematical spoonFOIL of paprika  
> •surprise
> 
> Bake for two hours and serve cold.


	19. Sam Winchester is a Mermaid

Cas walked into the room, with a serious, all-business face that only could mean he was going to ask a question that should have an incredibly obvious answer. 

It seemed that was his normal face.

"Dean, I have a serious question to ask," he started.

"Yes?"

"Is Sam... uh.... you know..."

"Homosexual? Yeah, probably. Aren't we all?"

"No, I mean yes, but that's not what I was going to ask. I was going to ask, is Sam a mermaid?"

Dean threw his head back laughing. "What makes you ask that?"

"His hair, Dean. He has merman hair. And it's only getting longer. It's the only reasonable explanation." 

When Sam came in the room, Dean was still laughing. Cas looked at Sam, and Sam could tell Cas probably asked one of his oblivious questions.

Cas made Sam sit down, he had a serious question to ask him. 

"Sam, are you a mermaid? You have mermaid hair, I'm not trying to be racist towards mermaids, but you have mermaid hair, so that means you're a merman, right?"

Sam told him no, he was not a mermaid. Cas secretly didn't believe his answer, and that summer, when they set up the pool, he kept watch of Sam just in case he spontaneously grew a tail.


	20. Chicken Limbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Before you read this chapter, I would 10/10 recommend that you google Chicken Limbo and watch an ad for it if you aren't familiar with it. It's one of the most spectacularly horrific yet wonderful games of all time.

Dean was driving when he saw the box on the side of the road. On the front of the cardboard box there was large writing that read "FREE- PLEASE TAKE" on it. Dean was hesitant, but curious. He took the box with him, not as worried as he probably should be about its contents.

When Dean got home, Cas asked what was in the box.

"Hell knows. Let's open it." Dean set the box on the table.

"Dean, I know I'm usually portrayed as the clueless one here but you might want to think this through. What if it's a dead body? What if it's possessed? What if it's a whole box full of spaghetti and you're setting yourself up for disappointment?" Cas questioned.

"Cas, a box full of spaghetti wouldn't be a disappointment."

"Just open it."

Dean ripped open the top of the box, which had been sealed with tape. When Dean saw the contents of the box, his face dropped, but then he broke out in laughter.

"It's an old Chicken Limbo game!"

"Chicken Limbo?"

"Yeah, it was an old game with a chicken and... and limbo! All of the cool kids had them at parties."

"Dean, I don't think I fully understand Chicken Limbo."

Dean had to force himself to stop laughing. 

"Okay, so it's like regular limbo, but the chicken here makes a noise if you hit it, wait... what if there's still batteries in this?..."

Dean shook the plastic chicken around until it started making demonic cackling noises. Dean started laughing again until his chest hurt. 

Later that night Dean and Cas played Chicken Limbo. Dean was an expert at it, Cas got the hang of it, and when Sam showed up he was too tall to get under the limbo bar in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fic hasn't been updated in a long time and I sincerely apologize for that... Things have gotten busy lately and I'm afraid that for the time being, this fic will be on hiatus. Of course, you may have already guessed that by now. All of you have given this mess of a car crash only positive things, and for now, all I can do is promise there will definitely be new chapters in the future. For sure. But for now, the fic will be on hiatus for undecided amount of time. Again, thank you so much for being such wonderful readers. I would've never expected so many great comments from all of you lovely people. I will never understand what makes this crap fic readable to any of you, but thanks again, and I'll be seeing you all again soon.


	21. Romney and the Illegal Silverware Hoard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT IM BACK MORE ABOUT THAT IN THE BOTTOM NOTES

"Cas?" Dean asked from the kitchen. "What's with all of the pancakes in the silverware drawers?"

"Dunno. Why are there pancakes in the drawers?" 

"That's what I asked you, you empty soup can. Where's all the silverware?"

Dean turned around to see a trail of spoons, forks, knives and plastic sporks leading out the back door.

Dean followed the trail, cautious about what was around the corner. He saw the trash bin shaking slightly and heard soft sobbing. He walked towards the noise, confused about what they could possibly be dealing with....

"....Mitt?"

Mitt Romney looked up at Dean like a crazed animal, half-eaten pancake in hand and rabid expression in his piercing hazel eyes.

"I- I'm sorry!" He tried to say as he ate his pancake with determination, as if if he didn't finish it immediately it would be taken away from him. 

"Mitt, what the hell are you doing here!?"

"I had to make pancakes. I'm not president, so I can't have silverware, or pancakes, or anything. And I can't stand it. I just can't do this."

"What does not being president even have to do with any of that?"

"Look, it's presidential stuff, you wouldn't understand," he stood up, brushing the dirt and dust off of his dark grey suit, holes everywhere, "now if you excuse me, I have to go elsewhere. I need to make my illegal silverware hoard if I'm ever going to survive like this."

Mitt bent back down and picked up Cas and Dean's missing silverware he must have been sitting on, gave a quick, un-presidential nod to Dean, and walked off on his way, locking their back yard gate on his way out.

"Who was that, Dean?" Cas asked, leaning out the door.

"Just... A guy. I'll explain later. I'm still working it out in my head."

"Okay Dean. Look what I found underneath our mattress!"

Cas held up a few flattened pancakes. Dean knew then that this wasn't the last they'd see of Mitt on his quest for pancakes and silverware, and that they'd probably be finding pancakes throughout the house for quite a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Well, here I am, after all of these months. Long ago I left a note saying I'd be back eventually, although I didn't know how long eventually would be. First of all, I'd like to thank you for all of the wonderfully confused comments and explosion threats that were sent during my absence. Now I'm going to give you all some advice: don't leave a fic for too long. Originally I had meant to take a break for a few weeks, maybe a month. But once you do that, it just snowballs into months until finally you realize you've been gone for... Quite a while. During this time I've also come to realize all of the problematic bits of the show- queer-baiting, shock factor kills, and rumors of the 200th just to name a few; if you're unaware of any of these issues, I strongly advise looking into them- which actually made me reconsider whether or not I should make a return to this fic. However, I knew that all those months ago I made a promise to return one day and I had to fulfill that promise to avoid being a lying jerk. Now, as for what I have planned for this fic: I'm planning to do another 10 chapters at least. Past there will depend on whether or not Supernatural has gone down too far or not this season. I still hold hope that the show will make the necessary corrections to keep going strong. I really love all of you guys and I hope you enjoy reading this sacrilegious piece of shit fic that brings shame to all other fan fiction. As for now, here's a few insider hints on upcoming chapters: sequels to your favorites, Steve Buscemi, and Marie motherfuckin' Calendars. Alright, that's all for now, thanks everyone!


End file.
